I get so surprised when I see people post personal and deep issues on the internet and talk about them with people without even blinking an eye or a second thought, while I take so much time to just even hint that something might be up with me. People are always telling me “oh Sasha you listen to my problems all the time! Don’t you need to share some of yours? Are you sure you don’t mind me talking to you? I’ll stop ranting if you want me to” and I always tell them just fine because it IS fine.
But then I get nervous because I only talk about myself deeply so many times a year. The last time I did a big dump of emotions was probably once in November and once in April. The rest of the time, if I’m upset or deeply conflicted, I sleep it off and tell myself to suck it up and I go about my day just fine. But I get nervous that one of those major breakdowns could happen at any moment and one of my greatest fears, for some bizarre reason, is to let others see how vulnerable I can get, yet at the same time I want them to see it but I don’t have the balls to show it out of fear that I’ll look needy or egocentric. Sometimes I just want to flop on the couch and tell people my problems without worrying about feeling selfish or obnoxious and just cry it off and have them hug me better. I feel like I can trust some of my really good friends with something like that, but I have this subconscious wall preventing me from doing so, and I don’t know what or who built the wall in the first place.
No matter how many times people tell me it’s okay to share, it’s okay to be upset, or it’s okay to want to vent about your problems, it’s probably one of the hardest things for me to do. That’s why it only happens so often. I let people forget that I have things going on so they won’t worry about me. I get too independent, and then I forget that I have things going on.
